We found our sitter on Care.com when Nolin was 8m old. I had actually originally found her shortly after he was born but she did not have any openings for a baby at the time. She came highly recommended both on the site & by a co-worker who was using her a couple days a week. When she contacted me to let me know that she had an opening we were thrilled! At the time, her home was located very close to our apartment & my job, she had several kids his age for him to play with, her home was IMMACULATE with a fenced in yard, swing set, a neighborhood park, a basement playroom complete with a storybook nook & tower under the stairs, wall to wall shelving of toys & a stage with lights & karaoke...She seemed very sweet, a little rigid, but sweet. Her husband was an EMT & was often there with her due to his flexible schedule. She herself had 2 school age girls. She was very organized, thorough & laid down the rules for parents & child immediately in our interview. She had no problems with him being unvaccinated & neither did the other parents (other children there were on alternate vaccine schedules or vaccine-free as well). And for the past year....She has been a God-send.
So what went wrong? It was evident from the beginning that she played favorites. And that Nolin being a boy, would probably never be on the list. But she was never mean. When I went on bed rest during my pregnancy with Mason we dropped him down to 3 days/week for financial reasons. Which worked out well since upon my return to work I was only cleared for part time, per the doctor. Having lost the additional income those 2 days she set out to find replacements. And succeeded in finding several...All part time. All who came on randomly assigned days through the week since the parents did not have set schedules. She had a total of 10 kids but as far as I know she never had all 10 on one day. Eventually 2 left...The only other boys besides an 8m old which meant that Nolin was back to playing with all girls again. In the early spring she approached me with some concerns about his vaccination status saying that it had suddenly interfered with her ability to get new kids. She asked if we would consider beginning his vaccines. I said no & asked if we needed to look elsewhere for a sitter. She replied that she would have to think about it & develop a policy. We were later told that it wasn't a big deal, she was able to find other kids but from now on she would have a policy in place. The subject was dropped.
In the meantime, I begin to notice things. Little things like they would invite the other children & their families to their kids' birthdays but not us. Or other children were allowed to stay later (until 6pm) while we were always told Nolin had to be picked up by 430pm. Or when parents would be sick she would offer to keep the kids overnight but the one time I asked when Adam was still on 3rd shift & I was ill, I was told it was not her policy to keep kids overnight. Or when the other Moms had new babies she would offer to watch the babies for free for a couple hours so the new Mom could catch up on sleep...I had to pay $5/hr for her to keep Mason while I went to a job interview. Or when other kids would be sick with fevers & vomiting but could come the next day (provided they were fever-free) but when he had a fever he had to wait 2 whole days after being fever free to come back. Finally, when my maternity leave began she started asking that Nolin be picked up in the afternoon when he woke up from his nap as this was the time he was most unmanageable. See a pattern?
Around mid-May she approached me concerned about his behavior. She said that he was throwing several tantrums a day, didn't like to hear the words "No" or "Wait please" or "In a minute" & felt that his outbursts were beginning to affect the other kids. She asked that I talk to his pediatrician about it & that was that. But apparently she expected me to do so when were at Mason's checkup (like I didn't have enough questions for the doctor as is concerning Mason's issues!) I politely told her that Nolin had his own checkup coming in 3 weeks & that I would discuss the matter with her then but could almost guarantee what her response would be: Nutrition. I told her that we were limiting sugar (which I had told her many times) & were also looking into the effects of certain dyes in his diet. I requested that she limit red/orange/purple foods in the next few weeks. Every day when I picked him up...He was eating orange jello. Or a red popsicle. Or red/orange/purple fruit snacks. Seriously?!
Finally, after alllll the reports on how bad his behavior was...I started asking for specific examples every day. Here's a list of the examples I was given:
- He was running in laps around the house (she has a no running indoors policy...completely understandable)
- He ran down the hill in the backyard & knocked a little girl over
- He slid down the stairs (he goes down feet 1st on his belly) & knocked the little girl over who had gone down before him resulting in a gash in her forehead
- He threw a ball into the street
- He refused to eat
- He kept throwing his cup
- He would hit another child if they took away the toy he was playing with
I started dropping him off later & picking him up earlier as well as sticking around in the morning to observe. I noticed that as soon as he walked in, he was getting in trouble...She would ask him not to run inside (he would excitedly run down the hallway to enter their kitchen every morning...Just like every other kid did). She would tell him to leave his shoes on cause they were going to the park but then sit down to feed the other kids & give me "the look" when he would throw himself on the ground & start crying because he thought she meant RIGHT THEN. I made note of my observations.
Then 2 weeks ago he suddenly got rave reviews the whole week. But when I picked him up in the afternoons, while happy to see me, he was in a hurry to leave. And in the evenings he seemed a little down. At the time, I chalked it up to being tired from the heat & being up with Mason & I for midnight feedings. I now know that his poor little spirit was beginning to break :( Thankfully his birthday party was that weekend so he would be surrounded by people who loved him! He was the most well-behaved he's ever been that weekend! He had so much fun wrestling with his cousins, running around the backyard blowing bubbles, swimming, playing cars with the boys...Then back to our regular week. I warned her that he had spent the weekend playing with boys & would have to be reminded to be gentle with the girls.
Which brings us to Thursday. Nolin & I had a long talk on the way over about how he needed to be gentle. He had 2 very bad days already & I could tell she was pretty peeved with him when I picked him up Wed afternoon. She wouldn't talk to us & didn't say her usual spiel of "Bye, see you tomorrow buddy! Have a good night!" & actually kind of just ignored us when we were leaving. And he was in a pretty big hurry to leave...Once we arrived he walked in, told the girls "hi" & picked up a stuffed toy from the floor. He excitedly starting spinning it in a circle yelling "weeeee" like we do with him. Another little girl happened to walk past him while this was going on & the toy hit her in the face. Immediately, the sitter starting riding Nolin about hitting. The little girl wasn't hurt, wasn't crying...Nolin apologized to her & then ran to me crying. I told her it had been an accident but she insisted that it was another one of his "acts of aggression" to which I replied "He's a boy so he's naturally going to be more aggressive. He was excited to be here. It wasn't on purpose." This statement spurned a dirty look & a lecture about how she has rules, gender shouldn't matter & that she had cared for boys before & none were as aggressive & angry as Nolin. He should be kind, calm & gentle. Bottom Line. I immediately text Adam to tell him I was fed up & a discussion was in order.
Stay tuned for Part 2...
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